1. Jesse
Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have
written an impressive new book. It's
called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat,
drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your
boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his
ring.
4. My mind
works like lightning. One brilliant flash
and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to
your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex
in the movies. Tried it once. The seat
folded up, the drink spilled and that ice,
well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to
be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and
handling, too.
8. A husband
is someone who, after taking out the trash,
gives the impression that he just cleaned
the whole house.
9. My next
house will have no kitchen -- just vending
machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde
said, "I was worried that my mechanic might
try to rip me off. I was relieved when he
told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to
write me a prescription for Viagra. He said
it would be like putting a new flagpole on a
condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid
dog. I went to see how he was and found him
writing frantically on a piece of paper. I
told him rabies could be cured and he didn't
have to worry about a will. He said,
"Will? What will? I'm making a list of the
people I want to bite!"
13. Definition of a teen-ager. God's
punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we
slide down the banister of life, may the
splinters never point the wrong way.
15. I signed
up for an exercise class and was told to
wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any
loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have
signed up in the first place!
16. When I
was young we used to go "skinny dipping."
Now I just "chunky dunk."
17. The early
bird still has to eat worms.
18. The worst
thing about accidents in the kitchen is
eating them.
19. Don't
argue with an idiot; people watching may not
be able to tell the difference.
20. Wouldn't
it be nice if whenever we messed up our life
we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and
start all over?
21. Stress is
when you wake up screaming and then you
realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
22. My wife
says I never listen to her. At least I
think that's what she said.
23. Just
remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all
fall off.
24. Why is it
that our children! can't read a Bible in
school, but they can in prison?
25. If
raising children was going to be easy, it
never would have started with something
called labor.
26. Brain
cells come, and brain cells go, but fat
cells live forever.
